Sexual Assault Rifle
American Tapes AM-850
“Rolling early to a gig can be problematic or amazing or a weirdo combo of both. The boyz rolled WAAAY to early to gig in Richmond VA only to get chased outta a strange bar (and sure enuff: same thing happened at the gig later at a piece of shit bar we jammed), but sometimes, rolling early into a city can be mindwrecking:
In Philly, some years ago, we rolled in hyper early and found (and waited in the van until it opened) a killer mega-bowl complex and posted up for HOURS. Brew flowing, pins knockin, no one there but the crew. RULED. After a way too long stretch of horrible double digit bowling, I wandered outside and called my main homebox PUCK to see if there was anything to peep before we roll onward to the R N R business hours. Puck thought for a second and said:
"Ya'll already busted that cheesesteak local spot...so... if you feel up to something REALLY intense...naw. ..forget about it..."
"Naw man, f-that- what is it?"
"Well, I had a super heavy sess there, if you feel up to the internal challenge: its right by the bowling alley- hit up JONATHAN & SUZIE's PSYCHIC SHACK"
Blown away by the prospects, I hung up, put out my cigarette on the bottom of my Red Wings, straightened up my coat and walked two blocks to the spot.
After finding it easily enuff, I rolled into the lobby and was first shocked by the decor on the walls: intense blood-sex-soaked paintings of zombies and horrible gore all done with the perfection of a pro graphic artist. Whoa! What did PUCK roll me to? Is he getting me black for the time I spilled pink clothes dye on his fav jersey? This place is too strange. I rang the bell, signed in on the sheet, and waited in silence in an empty lobby staring at a painting of a zombie chewing an ear of a bikinied lady. Tired from the brew session at the bowling alley and arm aching from trying to get the ball speed cam up to 87 mph on the lanes, I dosed off.
Feeling a slight nudge on my elbow I perked up and met JONATHAN, a huge welcoming dude with long blond hair and a SWANS "MONEY" tour long sleeve shirt and followed him into the reading room. I was ah...psyched! ! I came into the small black room, shook hands with SUZIE, who was decked out a TG shirt, also long sleeve and was ready for the reading...
The magical couple stared at me for what seemed like 15 minutes and then nodded to each other and said, almost in unison:
"I see you are from Michigan, and therefore are probably uncomfortable with a very personal reading."
"Ah, right on." I said, thinking to myself that Puck had found a player a PERFECT spot.
After another stretch of awkward but easy silence Suzie said:
"Well, you have a gig tonight, how about a glimpse into the future, not you, but what the world be like in say 10,000 years?"
"Man, whoa, hit me up!!!!"
"First, put both yr finger tips into this small pot and close yr eyes. There will be no words spoken but you feel the future, good or bad..."
Feeling the energy for a new situation and also the coming excitement of telling Puck/the boys about my PSYCHIC SHACK experience, I rolled up my sleeve, and put my fingers into the warm oily magic liquid and sneaked off...
What happened next or rather what I experienced just can be put into INZANE words. The future was: INTENSE.... fully of evil machines grinding onward on terror business, clangs disappearing into space, huge planets full of strange sounds delay into the deep atmosphere. It was strange, horrible, and super ace all at the same time. Man was I stoked.
So I walked out with Suzie and Jonathan, mind blown/shown by the future, ready for the present and ready to thank the crub outta my main man PUCK for the psychic tip. As I was walking out the door, Suzie says,
"Wait I forgot something... Here is a box of 100 records that was the soundtrack to that evil future.... we had em pressed while you were out cold, live at that studio that did the CRUDE PA comps...."
"OMG- no way...the sounds...were. ..too much.... and on wax????"
Jonathan says, firmly: "Yeah man, and jamm it at any speed, I know yr crew digs that...slower the better...cant be slow enuff....." And then stared at the floor.......
"Well, we know NONE of yr crew will believe you so here is some proof to show em...."
So here it is. TRUE STORY, yo. THE FUTURE...10, 000 yrs from now.... SEXUAL ASSAULT RIFLE. ON WAX. Edition 100, handmade covers, numbered.” – John Olson.